Check out some of my new jokes

Oh hey hello, nice of you to stop on by my online web page. Looks like I got the courage to hop up on the stage again and tell some jokes to an audience full of people. Click below if you’d like to see how that went. At the beginning, there is a special treat for the thousands of loyal readers of this blog! The first joke I told was adapted from a recent blog post. So… that’s fun for everyone.

In conclusion, wrapping things up, ending succinctly, I would just like to say thank you for reading this and please have a fine day today.

To the guy that found my blog by searching “can i lose my panis virginity with my hand”

20140418-012030.jpg

I’m not sure how you possibly ended up here with that google search, but I apologize that my dumb jokes about ghosts and endless rumblings about Blues Traveler (probably before your time, but they were a popular guitar and harmonica band in the 90′s) weren’t more help.

On the off chance you found your way back here, I thought I’d write a quick post in case the internet failed you and you never got more info about your inquiry.

So, to answer your question definitively: No. You have to put it in a vagana.

Listen to the demo for Podcast: The Musical Part 1

Apologies if I’m cluttering up anyone’s feed or whatever with all these posts, but this has been a long time coming and I’m excited to finally present Podcast: The Musical in a listenable form! It’s really happening.

The demo for the first part is here. This features 2 of the 10 songs that make up all of Podcast: The Musical as a whole. Check it out right now ASAP ASSAPP:

To see read the full script, learn more about how you can help me make this thing into a better thing, or any other information you could possibly want, feel free to visit PodcastTheMusical.tumblr.com.

Thank you for listening and I hope you enjoy. For any kind of feedback or criticism or inquiries on how you can help, please do not hesitate to contact me. Byyyeee

Read the full script for Podcast: The Musical here

Heeeeyy PSSSssst I have a secret for you my little friend… I have completed a demo for Podcast: The Musical, the project I have been talking about for fucking years already. I did the opening bit and the first two songs so everyone can get a bit of a taste of what the thing will be like.

I wasn’t sure if I wanted to do it, but I figured, why the heck not, I’ll post the whole script online for people to enjoy. The demo I’ll be posting soon is just the beginning of this whole podcast musical nonsense. There are like 7 or 8 other full songs and more than enough dumb jokes and bad puns for even the most pun-hardened individual to enjoy.

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So go ahead and click the pic to read the full script or click here or feel free to even click here if you are feeling dangerous.

Another day, another song about podcasts

Hi, hello, you seem like a respectable internet user so I suppose I’ll give you a quick look at the horse shit I’ve been working on. Turns out it’s the same as most of the other horse shit I do. I made a bunch of songs about podcasts.

First, I made a quick little intro song to open up the “Popcorn Gallery” section of one my favorite podcasts: Hollywood Handbook. By “quick” and “little” I mean it was over 40 seconds long and the hosts Hayes and Sean made fun of it for being too long but they played it so hahaha joke’s on them. But seriously it was cool of them to do that and maybe I’ll work on something else for them that’s shorter (or maybe longer??? As a joke? I’m laughing already!!! We’ll see.), sometime soon now that I’ve figured out how to actually use EQ and make my songs not sound like shit in a bathtub.

Boy what a fucking mess of a post this is so far. But I’ll never learn how to make a decent god damn post if I don’t power through it and finish this one so here I go.

Next, a theme I wrote for the plugs section of the Comedy Bang! Bang! podcast got played on this week’s episode, “Sex Party Season,” and it went about as perfect as it possibly could have. Let me count the ways it was great:

  1. I actually learned how to use EQ and make my songs not sound like shit in a bathtub. Combined with the Earwolf network recently upgrading to a higher bitrate and stereo sound, my theme actually sounded pretty cool.
  2. The whole conceit of the song being a “zone” where comedians could riff and make jokes worked perfectly. Scott Aukerman started the first few words of a joke in the “space” I left and then my song cut him off in a hilarious fashion. The timing couldn’t have been more perfect so big ups to Scott Aukerman for being funny.
  3. Speaking of the Auk Man, he also seemed to legitimately enjoy my theme and called it “cool.” He also seemed to genuinely laugh at my last plugs theme as well, so yeah, that’s pretty awesome he enjoyed my shit when he was exposed to it.
  4. In addition to Scotty boy, two of my other comedy heroes: Gillian Jacobs and Paul F. Tompkins (as Len Wiseman) had a brief discussion about my last name. Unfortunately, they all got the pronunciation wrong (it’s pronounced like “niece”) and they have made an enemy for life.
  5. The theme got featured on what I think was the funniest episode this year and what some are calling the funniest episode ever. And given how many times I’ve gone back and listened to my favorite episodes and practically memorized the plugs themes for each, that is very cool that maybe the same will happen for someone else out there with my dumb song.

So yeah that was a really wonderful thing that has really made this week for me.

Haha you fuckin dope you thought I would end this on some kind of note of sincerity? What an internet idiot you are.

I have one more thing to share. So remember way back a year ago when I announced that I was writing “Podcast: The Musical”? If you said yes, you are a liar because nobody actually saw that post, but anyway, a year later with lots of tweaking, I fuckin FINISHED writing it. It’s going to end up being somewhere between about 45 minutes to an hour long with 10 real-deal, totally brand new songs. Now that the writing is mostly finished, I have to actually figure out how it will possibly be made.

So, on the off chance that you are in the LA area and you like to sing or dance or if you like podcasts or if you know people that fit any of those descriptions, please feel more than welcome to contact me. Sorry for calling you a dope earlier.

Look out soon for a quick demo of a couple Podcast: The Musical songs to give you a better idea of what this thing might someday turn into.

OK that’s all thank you for reading my insufferable update! You are now my friend.

My newest Cracked.com article

Hello all, I am happy to announce that my third article is up and LIVE on Cracked.com. Can articles online be called “live”? I think “liveblogging” is a thing already. If not, that’s my idea now. Thanks. Anyway, the article ended up getting merged with a different article so a lot of my actual writing got edited down, but there’s a reason I am typing this to an audience of somewhere between 2 and negative 5 and the editors of Cracked run one of the internet’s most successful sites. That’s how it goes. More articles to come.

OK, without any further bullshitting, here it is:

6 Sneaky Ways Movies and TV Shows Outsmarted the Censors

A Walk Through the Internet’s Scariest Haunted House

HELLO, moron, and welcome to the scariest ghost house on the net. You messed up big time by clicking on this but now there is no escape. If you click a different link or close the window a Dracula will come to your window and look at you with scary eyes.

So please, dear reader (fear reader), come inside… I promise nothing scary will happen. HAHA NOT. Psych.

You enter the house and the door slams shut behind you and it’s locked. Everything seems pretty normal until blammo a fuckin spider is all up in your face. His friend, a bat, is there too. You get startled and are scared as hell but you have to continue on because of the door thing.

You turn the corner in a dark and dusty halloway (halloween hallway) and BLAHHH there’s a skeleton sitting in a chair RIGHT THERE. You didn’t think you could get any more scared than you were before but hey here we are.

Ahh but how relieving… it’s not a skeleton sitting in a chair but just the depiction of a skeletin carved into a pumpkin AKA a Jacko Lantern. You look in a mirror to make sure your hair is ok but you see the skeleton was right behind you all along!!!

He beckons you to come give him a big stinkin sloppy kiss right on the mouth but you don’t wanna. You run away but come face to face with nature’s most fearsome predator: the ghost.

He wobbles to and fro and you know that you’re done for. “This is probably the ghost of the skeleton before. He’s probably pretty mad and that’s scary” you think to your lonesome self.

A friendly cat jumps out and the ghost disapparates and you are at ease for a moment. He looks pretty happy and he does a little dance that you think is cool but you look a little closer… AH! His face disappears for a second there during his dance which is scary and also his shadow kind of looks like one snake and then two snakes for a couple frames. “Those are two things that make this cat scary” you think to yourself as you hightail it the heck out of there.

Oh no but look out. A monster made by none other than Dr. Victor Frankenstein starts stomping towards you. You hide in a closet before he can come do to you whatever Frankenstein monsters do.

You get in the closet (which doesn’t have a skeleton in it–that is an x-ray gif. You are the skeleton in the closet. It’s scary because if you think about it, we all have skeletons inside of us). It’s far too dark in there so you light a candle.

Much to your horror it turns out you are sharing a closet with a scary witch with one of the bubbliest cauldrons you’ve ever seen in all your days. You run out of the closet.

Outside of the closet there is a mummy who does a funky dance and you die.

Your spine-tangling adventure has come to an end. You screwed up big time by bumping into that mummy and because of that you have died and now you’re in a coffin.

The End…? Yes.

Ahhh don’t worry about it, chump. It was all just some Hallow’sween fun. Just a silly prank on the internet. The house was only in your imagination this whole time. It just seemed real because I did a good job.

So don’t worry… there’s no such thing as REAL haunted houses… right?

Well… the legend I heard is that ghosts have long since abandoned haunting houses and have since taken up haunting the internet through internet web logs… just like this one…

BOO!!!! HAhahehehehahahaaa I was a ghost all along. Ghoulnight, fucker… pleasant dreams…

Notes on Notes: How “Run-Around” gives the listener the runaround

Hello and welcome to Notes on Notes, the internet’s only series of articles that combines terrible clip-art with musical analysis.

Last year in a Cracked.com article I wrote, I discussed Blue’s Traveler’s “Hook” and its meaning, which some people might have (understandably) overlooked when first hearing the song. Basically,  when you take a closer look at the lyrics and musical content, what sounds like a generic 90′s pop song is actually an ironic send-up of generic pop songs. Here’s a great AV Club article that elaborates on what I’m talking about.

After Cracked and AV Club covered it, it seems like “Hook” and its true meaning is pretty well-tread territory online. But there still is more Blues Traveler ground to cover. Or should I say… travel? Yes, I should. Because it’s a very funny joke to start off this article.

In hopes of becoming the internet’s preeminent Blues Traveler scholar, I’d like to now take a look at one of the band’s other huge hits: “Run-Around.” A song that, in my mind, rivals “Hook” in terms of its terms of its surprising depth and overlooked meaning.


This horse is here because horses like to run and this song is about running.

From a quick reading of the lyrics–or really just an educated guess based on the title–it’s probably pretty clear what the song is about. The singer is lamenting that he is being led on by someone he is attracted to. He is confused and frustrated by these mixed signals giving his mind and emotions the “runaround.” This is the internet, I’m sure I don’t need to elaborate much more. If “The Social Network” is to be believed, the internet’s main source of energy and innovation is just such indignation.

So, OK, now that we’ve got the core concept down, let’s look closer at how the song works. Not only does it repeat its chorus several times throughout it’s run time, but–and here’s where it starts to get cool–the same 4 chords are repeated in a 4 second loop for the entire song. There isn’t any kind of change for the entire 4 minute run time.

Just like with “Hook’s” use of the overused “Canon in D,” this may come off as a case of pop simplicity, but given the song’s subject matter, and Blues Traveler’s track record for such things, I think it’s safe to say the looping guitar exists to reinforce the song’s theme.

Similarly to how the narrator of the “Run-Around”  finds himself in an infinite romantic loop of emotional ups and downs, the song’s guitar repeats the same chord progression throughout the entire song.

But that’s only one example of Blues Traveler using songwriting techniques to reference the song’s subject matter.

With “Run-Around’s” themes in mind, meta-textual meaning begins to emerge in its lyrics.

Take a look at this stanza from verse 2:

But I’ve been there I can see it cower
like a nervous magician waiting in the wings

Of a bad play where the heroes are right,
and nobody thinks or expects to much.
And Hollywood’s calling for the movie rights,
singing”Hey babe let’s keep in touch.”

What starts as a simile representing the narrator’s nervousness with dealing with his crush suddenly becomes a tangent about Hollywood fat-cats and a magician being in a play for some reason. Again, what could be hand-waved away as a literary device that got out of hand actually becomes intentional when looked at in context. Just like this girl is giving the guy the “runaround,” the singer of the song is also giving the listener the same treatment. And since the song is seemingly directed at the narrator’s crush, these extended musical metaphors may be a case of the narrator giving her a taste of her own medicine.

Instead of getting to the point, “Run-Around” often gets sidetracked with shaky metaphors about fishing, or the aforementioned one about magicians, or my favorite, one near the end of the song where we go from the narrator comparing himself to a pilot weathering an emotional storm, to a fun tangent about waitresses and drink orders. The whole song is filled with unnecessary similes, references, and other literary devices.

So what might seem like a repetitive song with some half-baked lyrics suddenly becomes a fairly interesting musical representation of a frustrating relationship.

And if you really want to get fancy about it, “Run-Around” serves as a meta-texual criticism of repetitive pop music and manipulative record labels just like “Hook” did before it. Just imagine this song is being sung to some record executive or it being directed at Blues Traveler’s pop contemporaries, it suddenly becomes pretty scathing criticism of the business of music.

This short passage here becomes a lot more poignant as well when you realize it can represent both a romantic relationship, or a love/hate relationship with pop music. Check it out:

And Hollywood’s calling for the movie rights,
singing, “Hey babe let’s keep in touch.”
“Hey baby let’s keep in touch.”

But I want more than a touch I want you to reach me,
and show me all the things no one else can see.

The song seems to be begging pop music to get to the point and stop wasting time with meaningless fluff and repetition.

So yeah, if you don’t mind donning some protective gear and diving past the dated 90′s jam-band pop veneer, you’ll find a pop song with some considerable depth that is absolutely worth a second look.

This is a picture of me in real life.

All that being said, and even though I really, honestly do like the song (clearly), anyone that dislikes it is absolutely not wrong. Even if they understand what it was trying to do with the metaphors and repeating chord progression.

So let’s talk about why. Yeah. There’s more. Feel free to pretend this is me referencing the song and giving the readers the “runaround” with a way too long and analytic blog post, but the truth is, I am a sick fuck and I enjoy discussing such things for far too long. So please excuse the self-indulgence for a moment.

So here’s why “Hook” and “Run-Around,” despite clearly having a lot of thought put into them, don’t seem to connect with people on a deeper level–especially now, almost 20 years down the line. Blues Traveler seemed to have misunderstood how music affects us and what we actually take away from a song.

OK, that sounds really harsh. I should repeat: I like this song. It’s just, the whole infinite repeating guitar thing is a cool idea, and I definitely not am one to discourage songwriters from trying to connect ideas and themes with the musical content of a song–god knows we need to see more of that in every genre–but this particular instance ends up doing the opposite of what it was intended to do. Instead of reinforcing the emotions of the song, it hinders them.

This might sound obvious, but chords play an enormous part in songwriting when underscoring emotions at play. Just like in a movie, we have an implicit cultural understanding of what certain images or colors represent, in music, different chords evoke different emotions. By repeating the same chords over and over, “Run-Around” effectively strips itself of a crucial songwriting tool in favor a thematic decision that only really works on an intellectual level. It’s like the musical equivalent of a joke that’s clever, but doesn’t make you laugh.

This is sounding overly critical, but in the song’s favor, John Popper and drummer Brendan Hill do their best to inject emotions and dynamics into the song, and they do a hell of a job. I’d say “Run-Around” has some of the best synchronicity when it comes to a vocal performance enhancing lyrical content. And Hill’s drums are right there behind Popper’s vocals, supporting him each time the tone switches around from defeated to triumphant to frustrated and plenty others. Seriously, go back and pay attention to the vocals read along with the lyrics. Popper and Hill channel the emotions at play throughout the song in a really masterful way.

But that damn repeating chord progression going on with the guitar not only doesn’t contribute to the emotional narrative present in the vocals, lyrics, and drums, it ends up holding up them back.

I think that’s what we can take away from “Run-Around.” If you want to get right down to it, the guy in the song is wasting his effort, trying to make make himself sound like a victim of manipulation in a relationship where the object of his affection simply doesn’t share his feelings but is trying to let him down easy. Similarly, Blues Traveler ended up putting a lot of thought and energy into a song element that ended up holding the song’s emotions back. Their heart was in the right place, but the effort might have been a little misguided.

Music works best when all its elements come together. Going back to a movie comparison, it’s like our implicit understanding of the language of cinema. A director wouldn’t use a frenetic shaky-cam and fast cuts to show a couple having a romantic dinner. Even if the scene was beautifully lit, acted, and written, the camerawork would prevent the audience from appreciating the full emotion of the scene.

This isn’t to pick on Blues Traveler (sorry guys), really this speaks to a bigger issue that applies to pretty much all music across all genres. Music, for whatever reason, isn’t discussed like other media, and as a result, we lack an understanding of how choices in music affect us emotionally. We get caught up in small surface-level aesthetic choices, when often, the problems lie elsewhere. In the case of “Run-Around,” the focus on surface-level choices caused many people to not appreciate some ambitious and smart songwriting.

Similarly, probably because it is so highly valued, musicians, songwriters, and producers end up putting their main effort into surface-level elements while neglecting deeper, more emotional elements. It’s absolutely fine that a song uses numerology to dictate its time signature, or that a song is part of a 30 song series about a robot, or that a track features the most modern farty synths on the market, but I feel like we should step back and be honest, none of that stuff is what makes us connect with a song is it?

So I think the best we can do is try and figure out and discuss what exactly it is that makes a song make us feel feelings. So if you wanna talk about it, you are more than welcome to do so below! Or if you want to call me a swear word or a virgin, you are welcome to do that too. If you got this far, you earned it.

Thank you very much for reading. If you’d like to read more stuff similar to this, or if you wanna just scroll around and enjoy some of the internet’s best clip art, click right on this word here. Or any of those words will work. Or this one. Click anywhere you like. My blog is your blog. Enjoy. Thanks again. Bye.

A demo for a serious song about the moon or something

Hey everyone, so in addition to doing writing and other things, sometimes I write songs. I’ve been sitting on this one for a little while because it’s a little rough and it’s a song about emotions and shit, which is not what I normally do, but I figured “why not? I’m sure the internet will be forgiving.” So I’m putting it out there. Enjoy or don’t, either way is cool with me! Thanks byeeee

How M*A*S*H snuck past Fox Studios and became the first studio film to use the word “fuck”

Hey, so I write for Cracked.com sometimes. Occasionally, I’ll come across an obscure story that doesn’t quite fit into a particular article I’m working on, but it will strike me as particularly interesting. Since stories like these often can’t be found anywhere but the shady recesses of the internet, I figured it would be worth it to take a few minutes to put the story out there where more people might be able to appreciate it. 

M*A*S*H is well-known for spawning one of the most successful shows in TV history, but before it was beaming into your grandparents’ impossibly small and low-res TVs, it was a hugely successful and critically acclaimed war film. M*A*S*H the movie has pretty much everything censors and studio executives were afraid of at the time: excessive violence, subversive anti-war themes, nudity, and the first ever use of the word “fuck” in a studio film.

Keep in mind, M*A*S*H was released in 1970, only a couple years after the extremely shitty and conservative Hays Code was abandoned. Film studios and the newly created MPAA were still testing the waters as to what was “acceptable.” One thing that certainly was not acceptable at the time was characters dropping fuck-bombs, but M*A*S*H included one all the same.

But how did they get manage to get all that groundbreaking stuff in there, you ask?

Well, after the film got turned down by at least 15 directors, the studio got desperate and asked the relatively unknown TV director Robert Altman to look at the script. At the time, the studio was already dealing with three bloated, big-budget movies: Patton, Hello Dolly!, and Tora! Tora! Tora! All the executives seemed to be extremely busy with green-lighting any expensive movie with extreme punctuation they could find (exclamation marks ain’t free, ya know?), and Altman saw his chance to make the kind of fucked-up film he wanted to make.

Altman realized that if he stayed off the very busy movie executives’ radar, he could do whatever he pleased. He made sure to come in under-budget and stay off the studio lot so no eyebrows were raised, and then went hog wild. He started by basically throwing out the script and allowing actors to improvise their lines. Then he orchestrated some incredibly gory surgery scenes where blood was literally flying everywhere. Finally, he went back and edited the movie together in a completely unusual, un-linear fashion. All while making sure to include all the sex and nudity he wanted and a time where an actor improvised the word “fuck” in a piece of dialogue, just because he was told he wouldn’t be allowed to.

You don’t even want to know where this hand thing ends up.

The studio executives then sat down to watch the completed version of a movie they all but forgot about, and were understandably shocked. Monocles shattered in champagne glasses and top hats shot into the stratosphere. Outraged, they gave pages upon pages of notes and demanded multiple re-edits and re-shoots. But the filmmakers dug their heels in the ground and demanded that the studio first show a test audience the uncut film.

The studio eventually agreed when they realized the filmmakers wouldn’t budge. The screening was such a huge success that the paranoid studio executives thought Altman might have planted people in the audience to give a fake reaction. Realizing they had a crowd-pleaser on their hands, the studio executives allowed the film to be released unaltered, with all the fucks and titties the movie was meant to have.

M*A*S*H went on to win multiple awards and make the studio boatloads of money. Not to mention, paving the way for subsequent movies to include even more swearing, gore, and nudity. So next time you see one of those titty swear blood movies kids these days love, send Robert Altman a thank-you tweet for being a crafty motherfucker.

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