Hello anyone that looks at this. I guess it probably sounds presumptuous that anyone would care, but if anyone does, first of all thank you, and second, I apologize for the lack of updates. I’ve got a handful of things in the works. Podcast: The Musical‘s first draft is winding down, and let me tell ya, it’s a doozy. I just recently finished a draft of a script for my comic bros over at Old College Comics, and I think it turned out well. I’ve also been telling jokes to crowds more often these days, and as always, I have a couple Cracked.com pitches in the works. All of which may or may not ever turn into published articles. We will see on that front. So that’s some of what I’ve been up to.  How are you?

But what I’d really like to talk about today is crackers. For 3 months of my life, I worked at an internship. Basically what ended up happening was I got hired to do social media for a company, but I quickly found out they were a government contracting firm and had no need for any kind of marketing or web presence. Plus I was at the corporate office so the boss only showed up once every other week. And when she was around, she would give me week-long assignments like “find out what Twitter is.” I realize now I was probably a bad intern because I lacked motivation and I wasn’t proactive, but oh well. Who can really claim they were a motivated and proactive 20 year-old? Or maybe that was just me.

What I’m getting at is: I had a lot of down time. And a good portion of my time was spent eating cheese and crackers for lunch. Most of my day was spent anticipating my delicious crackers and cheese waiting for me in the office kitchen.  So I had an unhealthy amount of time to ponder cheese and cracker combinations. Here are my conclusions on the subject:

Right off the bat, I should say I was only eating Wheat Thins and Triscuits. Feel free to weigh in with your own thoughts about Ritz or Oyster Crackers or whatever, but my experience lies with those two products. This is a whole other blog post, but I think the Wheat Thins vs. Triscuits dichotomy is a fascinating one, and it probably says a lot about your personality which one you prefer. Next time you’re on a date, ask them if they like Wheat Thins or Triscuits! Debate your preferences! Or try and guess what your best friend or long-time spouse prefers! The answer might surprise and shock you and tear apart your relationship. If I were to come up with a set of questions like the Bernard Pivot questions James Lipton uses on Inside the Actor’s Studio, “Wheat Thins or Triscuits?” would honestly be right at the top. Or at least near the top.

Not to seem unbiased, but I’m a Triscuit man. Don’t get me wrong, I love Wheat Thins too, but my down time at my internship allowed me to come to terms with who I am, and I realized that I simply prefer Triscuits. Also I probably don’t even have to clarify this since I doubt any corporation would touch this blog with a 10 foot ethernet cable, but I am in no way sponsored by any sort of cracker company. A guy can dream! Maybe one day when I’ve really honed my cracker blogging skills, but as of right now, I am a free agent which gives me the freedom to say that Triscuits are my favorite crackers. But I like Wheat Thins too.

So let’s talk about Triscuits first. They are the saltier, more savory snack. As such, a sharp cheese works best with their saltier flavor. A milder, smoother cheese ends up getting overpowered by the salt and crunch of the Triscuit and it feels like someone melted a candle on top of your cracker. That’s no good.

Bottom Line: if you’re eating a Triscuit, put a sharp cheese on there if you know what’s good for you. Try a nice cheddar, or a blue cheese, or even some feta if you’re feeling Mediterranean. Anything with a nice kick won’t be overpowered and will compliment the more aggressive flavor and crunch of the Triscuit.

Now for Wheat Thins. Since Wheat Thins are much sweeter than a Triscuit, a milder cheese is going to work a whole heck of a lot better. If you try putting a sharp cheddar on top of your Wheat Thin, you are going to hate yourself for having wasted that Wheat Thin. It doesn’t work. The sweetness clashes with the kick of the cheese and it makes a weird texture contrast and basically, you’re gonna have a shitty time eating that cracker and cheese so don’t do it.

Bottom Line: Grab yourself a Havarti cheese, or maybe some brie if you’re fancy. If you reaaally absolutely need a kick with your Wheat Thin, Pepper Jack always works since it’s a milder cheese with a bit of spice on the back end.

So there you have it. I wrote a whole bunch of words about crackers and my topping preferences. Clearly I have wasted some of the best years of my life thinking about snacks. And now I’ve wasted some of your precious time on this earth as well. I hope you enjoyed! Thanks for reading. Keep an eye out of more big, cool new stuff from me in the future. Goodnight.