Hey here’s a story I did so why don’t you read it if you want. PS stay tuned for more cool big things coming up. Goodnight forever.

A Day in the Life of the World’s Most Neurotic Man

Jeff was already in the shower when his alarm went off. He shut off the water and contemplated as faucet drip-drip-dripped against the drain.

“Okay. Do I walk to the alarm immediately and risk dripping? Or do I take the time and dry myself thoroughly while the entire neighborhood hates me forever for waking them up?” he said to himself.

He compromised by laying the towel down on the ground and shuffling it forward with his feet, creating a mobile bathmat. The alarm had already turned off on its own while he was making his way over.

“Jesus, is that a wasp nest? Wasps?!” he said to himself as he noticed a grayish-brown clump above his bed.

“Oh. It’s just a spider web,” he said. “Well but still, that means there’s spiders above my bed. Imagine how many I’ve eaten. It must have been thousands by now. There must have been a steady stream of spiders pouring in my mouth from the time I fell asleep to the time I woke up. They could still be inside me right now, eating my insides. For all I know, I’m just a walking mass of skin and spiders.”

Jeff gave up on returning to the shower and decided to continue with his morning routine. Preparing lunch was next.

“Ahh but the sandwich bags,” he said. “I trapped a moth in one last week and then set it free outside just in case Buddhism is true. Then I put the bag back in the drawer because I was preoccupied thinking about how weird it would be if ghosts existed. Now it’s impossible to tell which is the mothbag. So stupid. Oh well. I can probably make it through the day without eating. Plenty of people all around the world go much longer than 8 hours with no food. I have to remember to check the web to see if spiders have nutrients.”

With lunch out of the way, the only thing left in Jeff’s morning routing was to brush his teeth and get dressed. As he made his way into the bathroom, he glanced at the toilet.

“What if I pooped a tooth? What could I even do? Either the tooth is my own, or I ate someone else’s tooth. Someone’s going to miss a tooth no matter what. Ohh that’s a good quote for the thought journal. I guess the best scenario would be that my butt has teeth and one fell out. If I didn’t notice butt teeth before, I guess it wouldn’t be such a big deal if one was missing.”

He spit his toothpaste out in the sink and made sure to rinse thoroughly. Toothpaste has diatoms, which can be toxic according to what his 6th grade science teacher told him once. Clothing was next.

“The blue shirt fits weird around my belly, and I hate all the other clothes. I wonder if I’d be skinnier if they removed all my vestigial organs. ‘Vestigial’ is just another word for ‘trash that is attached to you’ anyway. That’s what Dad always said. Another one for the thought journal. I need to start a thought journal some day. I bet people wouldn’t even wear shirts if we had our rib cages on the outside. It’s weird that we’re all basically skeletons,” Jeff said as he examined the shape of his skull at his slightly receding hairline. “I think I’d like to be friends with a skeleton. You could look through the skeleton friend and see if anything was behind them. You can’t do that with a normal friend. Also I think it would be funny if he wore one of those hats with the propeller on it. Plus skeletons are nice because they protect our brains and heart so he would probably be a good friend.

Hearts are weird. They just beat all day forever until you’re dead. All on their own. You can’t control it. But it’s still regulated by the brain. What if my brain just decided to stop making the heart beat? Or what if you thought hard enough to make it stop and then you died? I’m in control of my body. I bet I could. If I thought hard enough.”

So he did. Jeff dropped to the floor, dead forever. The first person to die from the power of his own neuroses. This has been a cautionary tale.

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