Hi Friend, sorry it took me so long to update blog, I’ve been busy saying my jokes out loud to very unlucky audiences, but I’m back now. Get ready for a torrent of terrible new things made by me that will pour out of your computer screen and into your lap and leave a big disgusting mess.

Here’s a thing I do where I break down lyrics and think about them for far longer than is healthy. This time I’m looking at a couple times in songs where music guys tried to be clever and flip the script on the old saying “life is a bitch” but turns out personifying life can be tricky business.

“I swear to God, life is a dumb blonde white broad
With fake tits and a bad dye job
Who just spit in my fucking face and called me a fucking tightwad,
So finally I broke down and bought her an iPod,
And caught her stealing my music, so I tied her arms and legs to the bed,
Set up the camera and pissed twice on her – Look, two pees and a tripod!”

Nicki Minaj featuring Eminem – Roman’s Revenge

Eminem takes over this song he is featured on pretty handily and blasts you in the face with his venom like one of those bugs that shoots venom out of their butts. It starts out pretty good, life is a bitch and she’s mean to Eminem (his harsh upbringing). But then Eminem buys his life an iPod? Is this still part of the metaphor? Maybe the iPod represents when he started making music? Let’s keep going. Okay. His shitty life is stealing his music now. Try and wrap your head around that, his life, his entire life, from when he was born until right now when you are reading this, is a bitch. And he bought his life an iPod and then his entire life forever stole his music. So okay he’s mad at his life and he ties his bitchy life’s arms and legs to a bed and pees on twice it while filming it. Does that mean he sabotaged his own life? And like the camera is all of the media coverage about all of his scandals? I guess that doesn’t really make sense since he’s punishing his life for stealing his music. If anything, he should be peeing on his life as a thank you for allowing him to create music.
When he peed on it twice does that mean he peed on his life once and then took a break and peed again? Or did he pee once and then save a little pee and wait a bit and then pee out the rest of the pee? I heard that was bad for you. Anyway, he rounds out the convoluted metaphor about his life and peeing with a funny pun so I guess everything turned out okay.

“life is the bitch, and death is her sister
sleep is the cousin, what a fucking family picture
you know father time, we all know mother nature
it’s all in the family, but I am of no relation”

Lil’ Wayne featuring Corey Gunz – 6 Foot 7 Foot

I wonder if Corey Gunz is related to Trey Songz? Maybe Busta Rhymes is their dad? Speaking of family, Lil’ Wayne takes an interesting turn with the “life is a bitch” metaphor by saying death is her sister. It’s an interesting take and it almost has like a modern mythology sort of feel to it. I’m good so far. I’m on the Lil Wayne train. I’m still okay with the “sleep is the cousin” metaphor because I guess sleep is sort of like death if you don’t think about it to hard. Maybe I’m just projecting because every thing I do in my life is like a small death for everyone involved.
Wayne takes it a step further by explaining to me that I know father time, but everyone knows mother nature. Is he implying that people who don’t listen to his music are unfamiliar with father time? Maybe when he was recording this he was pointing out certain people in the Young Money Militia that were in the studio. Maybe Drake has never heard of father time and Lil Wayne called him out on it.
I don’t really know much about life or anything at all really, but I guess this one doesn’t get as complicated as these other ones. Lil’ Wayne does say that he is of no relation to any of these personified things though, which I guess plays into his whole “I’m an alien” persona, but I think even aliens have nature and time and death and stuff? Maybe we’ll never know… I’d like to use this space here to say I think it’s cool that right before the second verse, Wayne goes “yeah, I’m going back in.” I like to imagine him shrugging his shoulders and diving into a big pool of raps.

“Life’s not a bitch. Life is a beautiful woman
You only call her a bitch because she won’t let you get that pussy.
Maybe she didn’t feel y’all shared any similar interests
Or maybe you’re just an asshole who couldn’t sweet talk the princess.”

Aesop Rock – Daylight
Okay first of all don’t judge me. I was in college once. I listened to Aesop Rock. Here’s something that is more embarrassing to divert the attention: Once me and my brother ate cat food and we pretended it wasn’t so bad, but it was. It really was gross.
Okay anyway, Mr. Aesop once again takes the “life’s a bitch” saying, but this time he takes it in a different direction. She’s not a bitch!! She’s a beautiful woman. Okay, life is beautiful. I’m on board. Life gets a bad rap (pun intended?? you decide) because she won’t let people have sex with her vagina. Okay. Maybe like, people are mad because life didn’t give them what they expected or something? I’m still with you Aesop let’s keep going. Maybe life feels I don’t share any similar interests? Huh? What is life interested in? Death? I can’t even think of a funny thing to put right here because I can’t even fathom what the idea of life could possibly be interested in. Butts?
He suggests that maybe I’m an asshole and I couldn’t sweet talk life. Alright. So. Life is beautiful but it didn’t give me opportunities because I don’t have any similar interests or I couldn’t sweet talk life. One or the other? Or both? How do you talk to life, like praying? That’s a problem when you try and personify life itself, it’s a very broad idea. I imagine some guy trying sweet talk a nebula or having trying to have sex with a black hole and having his boner be compressed into a singularity. Feel free to use that in a rap battle situation to make fun of a guy’s penis size. You’re welcome. See ya.